Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
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Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately