“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
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How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
❤️❤️❤️
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Hey Fugeddaboutit
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”