Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
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handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My birth announcement for our third baby
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.