How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
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Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
man i love columbo
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.