“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I am also baked goods
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates