Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
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These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.