Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
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You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.