Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
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In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.