A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
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I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
The “baby” on the left….
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore