My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
You Might Also Like
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV