The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
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“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos