Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? πππ
You Might Also Like
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
If the kids canβt find something I say βI think itβs in the carβ then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ββ ββββ is βββββ ββββ and ββ ββββ.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and itβs watching her parents try to swat a fly
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said βOkay, but only if I can mop tooβ, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My mom didnβt give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. βTo whom it may concern…β
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.