[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
You Might Also Like
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Noah was an idiot.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.