Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
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If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine