“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
You Might Also Like
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
All food is good if you spell it wrong
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”