My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
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*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Good morning, Twitter x
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”