I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
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*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Broom by every window for quick escape.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Investing in beetcoin
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today