[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way