My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
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Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.