Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
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tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?