Come back with a warrant
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Running from your problems is cardio .
2023 was just a warmup
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]