I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.