Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
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Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.