Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
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My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
lol
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!