– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
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TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.