I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
calling in to work dehydrated
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.