When you kidnap a writer.
You Might Also Like
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
men are simple creatures
How dude HOW?!
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.