So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
You Might Also Like
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what