Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
You Might Also Like
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man