We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
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excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
(True)
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.