I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”