One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
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[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.