So the ex texted me
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CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021