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Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.