My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
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I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I needed a laugh this morning.