guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
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Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
More like Kate Missington.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Ugh but profoundly
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?