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tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.