To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
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80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Did I do this right
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.