Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.