I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
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Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Has science gone too far?
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan