REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
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Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
dutch so unserious
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.