When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Catering service
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question