We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
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[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?