The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
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Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?