The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
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me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?