[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
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Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.