“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
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I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours