It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
You Might Also Like
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.