My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
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I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Hmmmmm
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.