Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
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just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
scrabbled eggs
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.